Most often, the only way to judge someone’s confidence is by how they present themselves, a lot of which is through talking. Talking is a huge part of life. It’s how we communicate, share our thoughts and feelings, and learn new information. But only some are confident in their ability to talk.
Boys and girls learn to behave around others early to fit in and be accepted. This often means acting confidently or humbly, depending on the social norms of their group. As adults, women and men often find that positive responses from friends and relatives reinforce these behaviours. Women are usually more specific in their beliefs than men, but they are also more likely to downplay their certainty. Conversely, men are more likely to minimise their doubts, even if they have reservations about something. This tendency may be due to the different ways society expects men and women to behave. Despite being less likely to have learned to blow their own horn, women are more likely than men to believe that they won’t be liked if they do so. This may be because women are socialised to be modest and humble, while men are typically taught to be more assertive and self-promoting. As a result, women may feel uncomfortable bragging about their accomplishments, while men feel more comfortable doing so.
Let’s look at some common scenarios.
Asking Questions
How you ask questions can be just as important as what questions you ask. In groups, if only one person asks questions, they can risk being seen as ignorant. Asking questions at the right time can signal your competence and power. On the other hand, we also judge others by how they are spoken to, not just by how they communicate. If one asks questions, one may be lectured to and look like a student under a teacher’s tutelage.
For example, have you ever wondered why men resist asking for directions? For many, it’s a matter of pride and independence. They value the ability to find their way around without help, even if it means taking a longer route. Additionally, asking for directions can often put a man in an inferior position, which many men are keen to avoid. And men who believe that asking questions might reflect negatively on them may, in turn, be less likely to form a favourable opinion of others who ask questions in situations where they would not.
Rituals in Conversation
Why do women tend to say “I’m sorry” more frequently than men?
Do women apologise more than men because they are inherently more polite and conscientious? Or has society conditioned women to be more self-critical and apologetic than men?
Women apologise more than men, and often they do it on purpose to show concern. This is one of the many things that girls learn to have better conversations and build relationships. How men and women view apologies can be vastly different. An apology can be seen as a blow to men’s ego and status. They may avoid apologising altogether because it can put them in a weaker position.
Giving Feedback
Giving feedback can be a tricky business. There are so many different ways to do it, and each one seems to come with its rituals and expectations. This can often lead to misunderstandings, as people need to understand the intent of the feedback giver.
Let me elaborate on this with an example.
A manager had to tell her marketing director to redo a report as the current version was not up to the mark. After citing the report’s strengths, she moved to the main point: the weaknesses that needed to be remedied. Although the marketing director seemed to understand and accept his supervisor’s comments, his revision only contained minor changes and failed to address the significant weaknesses. After the manager told him of her dissatisfaction, he accused her of misleading him with the statement: “You told me it was fine.” The disagreement resulted from different linguistic styles.
There are a few key things to remember when giving feedback. First, gain clarity on what you’re trying to get done. Second, be aware of the other person’s feelings and be respectful. And finally, be mindful of your own biases and assumptions. If you can keep these things in mind, you’re on your way to giving practical and respectful feedback.
Complimenting
Women see compliments as a way of building relationships. They give more compliments than men, and as this positive attitude is recognised and appreciated, it strengthens these relationships. On the other hand, when a woman asks a man a ritual question, he is more likely to see it as an opportunity to offer her some sage advice. This stems from the things ingrained in childhood where boys often look for opportunities to put others down and take the one-up position for themselves. On the other hand, girls tend to take the one-down place but assume that the other person will recognise the ritual nature of belittling oneself and pull them back up.
Ritual Opposition
Ritual opposition is a familiar ritual among men that is often taken literally by women. They tend to think that all the arguments and fights will last a while. But contrary to that, men think of ritual opposition as an exercise to poke holes and find weaknesses in their ideas as a way of exploring and testing them. People uncomfortable with verbal opposition, whether women or men, risk seeming insecure about their beliefs.
People have different linguistic styles because of their different socialisation experiences. While these are learned in childhood interactions, these styles play out across the lifespan and how!
More on it later.